If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
..pick me up at 8.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.