States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to