she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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