Texts From Last Night

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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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  (519): Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking. (1-519): I'm in awe of how selfish that is. http://tfl.nu/dlh3
  Replies (10) Good night (3732) Bad night (1672)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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  (502): I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean. http://tfl.nu/5uk0
  Replies (6) Good night (4383) Bad night (1413)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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  (704): Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people. http://tfl.nu/g4iv
  Replies (6) Good night (3745) Bad night (908)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys

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  (970): He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys http://tfl.nu/pzx8
  Replies (4) Good night (1128) Bad night (2438)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

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  (516): Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar http://tfl.nu/xg4s
  Replies (6) Good night (3019) Bad night (875)
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  (914): View more from New York

  It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional

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  (914): It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional http://tfl.nu/y54e
  Replies (2) Good night (690) Bad night (2165)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

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  (515): im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right. http://tfl.nu/w229
  Replies (6) Good night (2411) Bad night (959)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

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  (262): You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose http://tfl.nu/d8zc
  Replies (7) Good night (1645) Bad night (953)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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  (910): They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card. http://tfl.nu/0s8y
  Replies (7) Good night (1058) Bad night (572)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception

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  (912): her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception http://tfl.nu/tr33
  Replies (5) Good night (693) Bad night (830)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

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  (603): Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by. http://tfl.nu/jwsa
  Replies (2) Good night (1236) Bad night (419)
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  (310): View more from California

  Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.

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  (310): Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts. http://tfl.nu/j0t2
  Replies (2) Good night (612) Bad night (370)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.

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  (724): A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume. http://tfl.nu/l1hl
  Replies (1) Good night (1086) Bad night (339)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue

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  (248): Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue http://tfl.nu/hgnj
  Replies (11) Good night (768) Bad night (418)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.

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  (804): I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying. http://tfl.nu/bp4d
  Replies (3) Good night (424) Bad night (180)

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