I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
honey bunches of taint.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it