my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
ok first of all what the fuck
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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