when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
