i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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