so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
