Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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