dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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