Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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