you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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