Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
