no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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