i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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