Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
