Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
