I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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