I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
