My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
