I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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