even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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