Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
