the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
