2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
