There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
