just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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