I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No I am not eating basil off your cock
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
