she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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