I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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