You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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