I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
