Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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