his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
