I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
