Capitaan dildo arrescate!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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