giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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