He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
