I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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