i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
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