That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
