What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
