I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
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You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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