Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
