Umm I'm too high to move.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
