This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We need to get me chipped asap
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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