Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
