The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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