First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
even my farts smell like vagina
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
