paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
