Kiss
Puke
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
