Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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