It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
