the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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