Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Randomize
