So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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