apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
