It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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