some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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