And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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