Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
