Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
