When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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